glittering blood in sun ☆

The feeling I had of myself when I was young

when I was a teen

it all came back

The throbbing

The pounding

The moss and the rain

The gush of glittering blood in sun

And a feeling of my lungs expanding

So much life, so much exitement 

and so much pain

to learn again ☆

I am learning again

To be

To think 

To write

5 months

Drenched in cold glistening water

Strangeled by lilypads

But also floating admist moonlihght

Life is not easy in any way after all

But I will stop making it harder

Harder than it should be

I think i need this candlelit thing called mindless routine

Scattered around in a few corners of the house

Like one next to the kitchen table, to eat breakfast and drink tea in the morning sun

Like another next to the table to write my poems agian, not as preformance, not to be good but because i truly wholeheartedly love it

An open, lit room for creativity

And another routine to make good hearty meals 

and to eat when my body asks me to

And another to sleep when the sun goes to sleep and not lay awake on hours into the dark

I agian want to try to live

In a way that was never hard before, that went on, streaming and flowing like a song

I agian want to read, and write my poems and stories, and to go out into the nature. I want to take more pictures like I recently did, and to paint many many more things

I will paint something beautiful 

Because although i know

Its often easy to forget

Its never to late to start again

And its never to late to start (something new)

I felt such immense freedom when I picked up the camera to take pictures of the moon

And those branches circling around the sun

That I find so beautiful and often think about

pasta ☆☆☆

A pasta that tastes

Like tears

And a life

Sinking into the ground

The grass 

The worms

The known

Long gone

The air smells like rotting leaves

And yet another 

Season of decay

down

Never before

Stood above the hole

With deep brown and black corners

With rocks and needles and nails at the floor

I have a place to sleep tonight

And every night 

And I am so lucky for that

But sleeping and eating and being

Is simply not enough

I yearn

I long

I want

But I can no longer be soothed

I have nowhere to be 

Nothing to do

And noone to be or do for

So I peer down the hole and wonder what leads a lost soul

down the road

And how some stay up?

And I am so so scared

that the down

will swallow me whole

Ørken ☆

Øyne, utrykk, lyder, hender

Og tørke tårer stjerner lys, 

Jeg har aldri vært mer ensom, 

enn sammen med andre 

animal ☆

I carry whirlpools 

inside of me

They scream and scream

into pulling streams 

blue and unknown to me

Would you believe me

if I told you

in the soft of my bones

in my watered out blood

there is an animal

I am sure

Hungry 

and sniffing for blood

Eating its paws

and biting its tail

Its true

it wants to 

Snap its neck and click its head

To be left in the mud all alone 

to dig and dig

And to die in a hole

that tall figure ☆☆☆ fikss

I cannot be

That tall figure

I cannot be

That hand

I will hold and i will care 

But what about

This flesh and soul

I cannot always stuff

fences and metal gates and thorns

Into my blood and bone marrow

Like an insect

I bleed hollow

That tall figure

Is my slow descent to red

And a sticky face of metal

And high black spears cutting into earth

A bloody breath and a black birds eye

Watching you sleep from my dark corner of the room

Black as the middle of my eye

dam av blod * ☆☆☆ fikssss

Dekt i klissete varmt blod

Jeg klemmes ned mot

et nytt fall

Mitt myke mot metall

Som en soldat skal jeg ligge

helt stille 

Til alle benene og drømmene og tårene begynner å forkalke 

Til glasspråtter, keramikkskår og synåler, blir til en og samme 

vond hoste

Inn I et mørkelilla, grønt, blått lys 

Og der skal jeg ligge

Rivende etter et liv

En lunge,

Og et håp, og et hav

Lengtende etter et annet menneske 

En annens varme 

Som aldri vil finnes 

i dyne eller pute

Må kutte av hjørnene, svi av kantene på hodet

For å kunne puste

Mange ganger har jeg følt det, inn i

min dypeste sorte rot/mitt dypeste sorte rotfeste

Noe vondt og beskrivelsesløst og stort

Så jeg ligger stille, øyne rødsprengte i min dam av blod

Jeg er et feigt menneske

Jeg skaper, eller skriver, eller maler ikke engang noe 

med alle fargene

Jeg får ikke engang tilbake noe

Av det jeg har måttet svelge

River hverken armer eller ledd inn i kamp og protest, 

Kutter ikke armer gjennom vann, fremover i den kalde sjøen***

Jeg har forlatt mine hvite gardiner, mine gressstrå langs stiene, mine melkehvite stjerner

(Har forlatt) min ene venn som alltid vil lytte

En varm vinge

En (salt/sår) tåre

En omfavnelse

************************************

 (min rødlagte måne,) (min stemme i den blålagte kveld,) 

Og min stemme i skriving, min venn som alltid vil lytte**

Inn i alle mine hjerte-skiver*!!

Farge-skiver*!!

Kirsebærtrerne

Salt 

Se, se verdens folk, stjernene er melkehvite!

Og lengtende etter et annet menneske 

***************************************

En annens varme 

Som aldri vil finnes i dyne eller pute

Vil vokse seg kaldttåkete og sort

Og dens fratakelse vil vokse seg kaldttåkete og sort

****

Og river ikke disse armene og leddene inn i en helbredelse

Min skriving, min (ene) venn som alltid vil lytte

Jeg får ikke fått tilbake

Noe av det jeg har måttet svelge

****

Og river ikke disse armene og leddene inn i en helbredelse

Min skriving, min (ene) venn som alltid vil lytte

En varm vinge

En sår tåre

En omfavnelse***

forklarer ikke engang  fargenskriver ingenting fra fargene*

Jeg dusjer ikke, spiser ikke -og jeg skriver ingenting av det*

red

I want to pull of these edges

These flaps of skin

This pullable flesh 

I want my world in one simple color

Red to meet it all

My fingers claw and etch into the wall, and pull into the red of the room

I am crushed between the windows

From the black dust in the window sills

And the clean snow that never comes

I long

I long

I long

blank space

Perplexing thoughts

I hate my voice

And i cannot find

Anything

Cannot create

I am an unwritten note

a blank space

Forgetting all

Oh god, 

There are so many years

In this world

Enough to forget 

All we ever dreamed or felt

Or learned

østers ☆☆☆☆☆☆!!

Østers

Salte tårer av skam

Havskum, og spy og avkom

Du gjør meg kvalm

Det bruser og bobler opp mot sand

Svart død havn

Jeg drukner og etes av sjøstjerner

Stjernene i havet

Som gnister

Som små lys 

Som et håp 

Et håp om ingenting

Stille som den blå timen

Og fri, være fri

Om vakkert etter mørkt kantet stummhet

Bli etset inn i verden

Som et tall

En drøm

En helleristning

Et ønske

Smelte kjøtt inn i stein og grus og berg

white mass, string around belly ☆

My head is filled with white mass

thick everlasting fog

And brimming with cotton

Uncomfortable to touch and sound 

And I don't know why

And why do I

resent myself

And all i create

I want pure concentrated awe and the purest fruit of passion

But where does one find a safe place 

To just sit in silence, and grow it?

In this blood-pumping machine of a city

I cannot sit still recently

I cannot sleep

I constantly wear a string around my belly

It pulls me to the ground

squeezes my skin and my organs tight

To hold up my skeleton

My frame

And I hate the feeling

But I hate this body more

And I dont know why

So many strands and strings and thoughts in one space

They tangle and slpit and break

And I break with them

spinning years ☆

What an insane thing

That I even exist

What a coincidence 

Of the stars

The particles of millions of years

Thar reach out to the depths of the universe

Thousands of years

Spinning back at me

cold deep waters - a life that is my own ☆

I guess

In this swelling river over grass strands and wheat fields

In this dark shower of rain

In this cold salt water at the bottomn of the shore

That I was to scared ro swim toward

I am living a life torn, days moulded and formed 

by an incompleteness

In the deep cold pulsing waters 

I will never find a soul shimmer 

That sees my shine

Never find the hand that holds where holding is needed

Or the candle that lights

Or the teardrops that turn the streetlamps into stars

Never find a coat In the rain, Or boots Or a hug Or a sweet rain-loving snail to help across the road

I care too much of my own

Its just the idea 

The thought 

That I could be enough

And also not too much 

The thought

The feeling 

I could be completely and truly seen

But in the deep blue cold waters I sink it seems

The thought 

The feeling

That I could live

A life that is my own

days melting ☆☆☆ -fiksss iiii

Watch the days melt into

The days melt into the years

And the cold cut of the snow

Buries all

Bury me In the clean

Watch the flames curl

The coal glow deeply and wildly like the sun

Like how humans have done trough the days and the years melting into the mud and into new life?

Forever and ever

Since our start of time

i want to grow mean ☆☆☆

I want to grow mean and ugly in spite

To show this is not theirs or yours or his

I am mine

To let the withering happen to displease the pleased and pull from the ground the muddy roots and distortions of beauty

What is beauty anyway

To blank glasseyes

And greasy fingers

Dirty

Hungry and grasping

For only what shows in mirrors

For they can never know beauty

They never have known

They see a body and a face

Like a smooth glasslike depthless thing

Like a diamond or golden plate or a postcard

But beauty is in the very bending and being and breathing and creating

The fact she is human and alive

The wierd and unique way that beautiful face smiles 

where one corner of the lips are higher up

Or the glimt of emotion in eyes

And all the layers of a human undernearth the layers of skin

And true love, true beauty can only be felt when listening quiet and open

With care and kindness

So do not tell me you know beauty 

When you strip everything down to its simple reflections

What a disgusting way to view a human

To never look within

To never think enough to see what is behind the glass

Where true and full and human beauty resides

my room no longer exists ☆ fiks?

Everything ever

Has secrets

The trees

Are millions of many years

Grown and branched out from seeds and nuts and fragments of a world once known

But lost in the fall

My childhood home

No longer stands on the same mud

My room, was lost in the fire

The fire of loosing a childhood 

The fire of never again being the same

I have nowhere to sleep

desensitized ☆

Here we live

Desensitized and sterilized

We do not feel

Afraid there could be truth

In how the world moves

and we move without it

And to live in cities like this

is ignorance and distance turned to bliss

To survive we need to close our eyes

to the dirt under paved roads and neeldetips and bodies on the shore 

And to not think anything of it 

Not confront the meaning or reason

Fill with gadgets 

and substances and all fleeting

we can hear the planes ☆☆☆

We can hear the planes 

Loudly screaming in the sky

Maybe this will be the last time

The kids point happily 

Waving them goodbye

And we hear the roars of the boats

Maybe we will no longer be untouched

Spared

There is only a thin line

Seperating "your" country from "mine"

Killing another family to fight for our own

and mud is supposed to belong to all

When all is said, all is dead

A green corner of the world

Turns red

i'll let you have me, as long as you want

The same thing happens 

Over and over

The loneliness of my deep root

My unfufilled stems and veins and twigs 

And in the bark of my heart

I feel it

When the people leave

And the music stops

And if it could be my way, we would do this every night, all of the hours

The deep-rooted loneliness of my core

It had grown and grown

It can never numb or heal enough 

Crying on the floor

I'll let you have me as long as you want

And this time I won't beg or make you Uncomfortable aking for more

Its just, nobody else ever wants more or as much as me

Its always the other thats had enough

Its always the other that says to go home and finish the night off

diamant I halsen

En diamant i halsen og noe skarpt bak øynene

Jeg får ikke til 

å være et menneske

En konstant panikk

Jeg har lært meg å holde nede 

Et blikk, en vits, et ord feil

Å se for lenge på et kirsebærtre

Jeg er mitt eget spøkelse

En angst som river av hvert lag av huden, til man er helt alene og ingen andre foruten

Å alltid se seg selv og passe på 

At man saboterer seg selv nok

sad shamed smile ☆☆☆☆☆

This deep rotting sense

Of alonesomeness

As I sit in a room 

Glowing red and pink

With all these people

And I remember all these human thoughts and sensations I could never tell someone

So alone

That even the brush of a foot against mine on the plane

Or standing in line

Makes me smile my sad shamed smile

physical sensation/pisking mushrooms ☆☆☆

These steep cliffs and watelands

Inside of me

And i realize now

I've lived a life of non-feeling

These hands and face could feel all these grass strands and limbs and tree trucks

And sun through my lungs

This whole time

Sensations like the cold fabrics, streams, flows of blue air 

Feel the skin on my back and the brush of hair

and violet space

This whole time

I could feel my world even more trough the physical

Disconnected from my sensations

I hope 

But not far away

We will name it someday

I felt my feelings on the inside 

Not the outside

Picking mushrooms in the forest 

renewal ☆

This looking around at trees, at houses, at the sky

I need it to survive

This looking

This joy in the small things

The grass strands and houses

A joy like we live in the world

I can see the mountain and its like a drop

A drop of life or more like

A shower

It washes me clean

With hope

Renewal

Love

Mud garden ☆☆

Like those gardens that people have

But its not like a garden

More like a haven

With big lush trees bringing shade

And a cool, and a glimt of sun

And some colorful clothes on the chlothing line

Like a drop of blood

Or a little piece of hope

That there are such things in this world

The way the sun lies on the mountain valleys, blue frosted tops on the other side

And theres another morning and i forgot my garden

The lushness dried out

And I cling to the pillow in this coat of mud

This coat of sticky red blood turning cold

I spill and turn and cry and quit

And I dont move 

or feel 

or write a second of it

betongblokk- fiks* ☆☆☆☆

Jeg er

Eller jeg føler

Disse hendene og tomlene og øynene og dette stedet kuttet i to 

opp mot en dyp blå halvdel av kloden

Opp opp opp

Mot den kalde kniven

Denne byen eller som jeg har lært det, tettstedet, og disse andre øynene og lungene og menneskene som jeg vet, jeg vet jeg kjenner

For hva er i det hele tatt et menneske om ikke bare et vesen på et tilfeldig sted i universet 

som vi har døpt et midtpunkt og kalt verden

Og hva er I det hele tatt en bokstav eller et bål eller (et liv eller) en perle eller et liv?

Hva er alle disse mikroskopiske atomene

Tredd på rekke og rad som et smykke til de blir meg 

Og hva er et meg?

For dette navnet og denne kroppen og denne plasseringen i et samfunn er noe som har begynt å sveve og gløde og noe som sakte men sikkert oppløses til aske

Stjernene krystalliseres på himmelen hver natt, med eller uten meg 

Langs grønne fjoder og skoger i et tilfeldig land i en tilfeldig verden og jeg er bare et tilfeldig menneske som føler et glimt av tilfeldigheten

Som en stor kule eller betongblokk eller stein som noen holder over hodet 

Som presser og skraper mot nakken og får knoklene til å gnistre

Men på en vakker måte

Som en byrde men også en påminnelse

Du lever, 

ikke glem det

Do not worry ☆

In this hot pan

Stovepot

I Cook and burn inside my edges

My thoughts consume and turn and burn me

Makes me move in my sleep

In my waking hours 

I worry, i worry, i worry

But you know what

It does not matter

It will all be fine

This one moment

The river and the ocean and the sounds of the ducks

The feeling of fresh water surrounding my body

Of sun on skin, of water and icecubes and letting others in

I appreciate this year

I appreciate all it has done for me

I needed it

Wholeheartedly 

I needed this pause

I dont know, maybe

Although it was painful

I dont think it could be another way

And I just want to be here

In the moment

In the feeling

And know i have things I could worry about

And turn over and over in my head

But it will all be fine

Its not the traditional route anyways

I am doing this for myself

I just need to feel and be

In this moment free

And feeling and relaxing

I have a home

And that is in me

Everything will be alright 

Feel the sounds of the watered valley, the birds singing, the saltwater, the green nature, the dark blue mirror of the sea

honeymelon ☆☆

These are the small eases

Of every day

Of walking the stairs a little slower

The taste of honeymelon

And laying in the medows

Of smelling herbs

And the flowers in the valley

Of taking that extra sip of coffee

A little slower

A little slower

We have time 

We have a whole life

The blueberries wont pick themselves

But in this moment, we have time

And the weeds wont pull themselves

And the dewdrops will cover up

But we have a whole life

In this moment, we have time 

Our people ☆☆☆

Factory morning

You never see the sun little girl

You are stiching your fingers into the fabrics of the night

Like the matchmakers and the clock girls

How can we not care enough for other peoples people

Why do we think

Just because there are different names and sounds and customs

That they are not our people

Everyone who has ever lived are a fleshed feeling human like we

No matter where from, they will always be our people

So when you see our people fleeing

Our people being bombed

Our people labouring and children starving and working or dying or children* covered in blood and dust from collapsed bulidings 

Or when your coworker tells you her whole family is dead

Dont you dare say

"This is not our people"

I dont care who you are or where you are from

A dead child is a dead child

And a murdered people are a murdered people

These are children

So they will always be our children

These are people

So they will always be our people

these things ☆

I find the things that really matter

Are those i did not think would

Those houses, those trees, the birds

Would mean nothing without a smile

Somewhere sometime

The deep green river 

And the blueberrypickers 

And the mountain walk

With the break and the hams and the breads and the cheeses

And those green fields and herbs

And white tipped sharp mountains

And now the deep blue woods and the pine branch over the mountain roof

The windows warm and glowing

And the warmth of another

These are the things

The bloodhungry (locked up in money) forget

These are the things they dont see, or feel or apriciate

These are the things that (truly) really matter

never enough -miss u like a dog

Watch how the sun color them bright

To watch the 

I push myself into the flow and the feel

So I will always be hungry for more

What else to do when one is so alone*?

But I can never get enough*?

You see it heals a tiny bit and fills and patches wounds a little bit

But why is nothing ever enough

And there was a time i never had enough

But that might have been better

So that I do not know how it can be

So I do not always long or miss like a dog

No matter what

alone in the entries and landscapes i observe out of the ordinary 

The glimts in trees

And lights and ordinary streets

And the pure fresh air

I push myself into the flow and the feel

They all think

I am a strange strange girl 

here is your future ☆☆☆

In their hands

They hold a beating black thing?

They say "here is your future".

Look at it, 

spit at it, 

and do what you want with it

But here you have it

Well

Anyway

You feel your life, these past few years wasted but no time on earth is wasted

Its not a race

Its a journey

And you are on it

But my thin hope is running out

Thin as ricepaper

Or the love from my mother/razor baldes

Silk, needles, thin metal sheets

Religion speaks more and more to me

-

Tell me I will be okay

could you leave a little space for me? ☆☆

I am surfacing in

The space left behind

The space left open (like a boat)

(like a thought)

Could you

Leave a little space for me at the end

Of your coffee table

At the end of your autumn/winter

At the moment when the rain stops

And earth turns to song 

Could you share with me a (little) sigh of relief

Looking at the falling leaves

Between and under the gaps of light

Streeks of hope

Brushing our heads and our palms warm

Watching the yellow gold 

Of streetlamps and afternoon sun

Down the river or the forest floor in snow

Could you leave a little space for my hand

In the pocket of your jacket

In the space between your rib and your heart

Could you leave a little space for me

In the small moments of every time

We feel this sweet secret of the world

Our little togheter-smile

Of our little jokes

You and me

Snaupies

Floating in between the strokes of light admiring above our heads also the darkest of clouds

Could it be 

You and me

Have felt and hoped and dreamt and lived something so precious 

And personal 

And hopeful

As this enourmous little space

You leave for me

At every corner/brick of your life

At every stop, every hilltop

Where the arms open up

Could you leave a little space for my

In your elbow creek

On the tiny uncluttered space 

On the tip of your shoe

On the other side of the umbrella

I could hold ypu forever 

(At the empty space by your soft cheek)

That fresh, tiny bearth of hope

you leave for me 

persevre it in my heart ☆

I know now

How I cling

Bite every tooth (my teeth)

Wholeheartedly into the moment

(But also) Into the people

Surronding it

I never meant to do so

I only felt an immense sensation of light, 

warmth from all around

and did so in trying to perserve it

But I have started to learn to let go

To let all things feel and float

A small happy (lightfilled) glimpse

Can be enough

And now 

Amongst gaps of light over the snow

Glittering in white grass

"Or the frozen branches in headlights"

I can see it and feel it and i can breathe it

And perserve it in my heart

Memories pickled in cotton laced jars

I do not need anyone else to see

the beauty i see, to know the truth in my arteries

The root of my heart

That this is what we lost with the suitcase and the train to the city