becoming☆☆☆

Sometimes

I feel a new wave of me

And owerwhelming breath in of

"This is becoming"

Of a gap from where i left

That cliff long ago

Standing in the middle of the green hills

This is me

Stars in the grass

I am made of glass

Seethrough

Translusent like a fish

I show my whole now

Like a kid I do what i feel

I'm chipping at the walls

Scrape off layers of shame

Scrubbing away at the seashore

My heart soft and clean now

Like i was born yesterday

my heart like meteorite ☆☆☆☆

I've lost many things in my life 

Only to find

Thats when i've loved them the most

Devoid of life and light

I starts clinging to(/streching over the windowsill) the window like a plant

I remember the beads, and the coloured markers, the scent of peeling a clementine

When i have lost my colour, 

into it i go: deeper, inching my way around, into the stars twinkeling blue, red and green (like christmas lights)

Sometimes i think my heart is like a christmas light

Flickering

Shifting

Deep

Sometimes its utterly quiet

Like a peral

Like something hiding 

At other times like a meteorite

Rich in its bruning, (alive)

Then the salty and harsh

crash in the ocean

Kind of like an early morning 

Stinging in my eyes

But also beautiful and deep

and at the end of all, 

worth it.

The leaves like overgrown lilacs ☆☆☆☆☆

The leaves 

are very pretty

But I must also say

It feels like nature contained

Into some spherichal shape

Cut down with fences and stone cliffs 

And my feet they feel it

Not walking on earth

On soil

But the hundereds of million feet here would probably scrape it all

coat the whole city in sticky footsoles and fingertips

So at least i can write this

And be here with you

To learn to love something else than i am used to

To see the tree shadows like overgrown lilacs

Black against the sunlit stones

Try to stay in the stillness 

in the middle of a chaos

What a lesson

What a learning

To appriciate the sound 

Even of an artificial waterfall

Small drops trickeling from squared stones

I knew it would be hard ☆☆☆☆

I went to the store

At 12 the world had gone asleep

I watched sugar coated trees

Glistening in the moonlight

I put a fruit caramel in my mouth

And felt the soft air hug me

I have been so terribly sad lately 

Like a sinking pit, fruit seed of sadness 

in my stomach 

It lives a quiet life

And never goes to rest

Always the weight suprises me

I think, maybe i had forgot how it feels

And all around me the people seem to do it all

Put in the work and the numbers (fit and) drift seamless, like autumn leaves in fall

Like a puzzle, like a colourbook

And me too I have dreams 

but i do not know where they are headed

So i tried to follow that feeling in the core

The spine of my heart

I knew it would be hard

So now i watch the sun through the apartment

The sun on the ocean

To go swimming again when the sickness leaves

And it must leave

like all else 

I have been thinking lately like the few people i have, are so incredibly prescious to me

That they are my life, what truly matters

My lover and my bestfriend and my sisters

To visit, and call them, and hug them all

I will hold on tight, this is my reminder of it all

I have been thinking of my aunt, how i understand it

But she had no sister, no bestfriend, no lover like i do

I will get through 

And the music that holds my hands also gnaws at them 

But this poem is the crystal of my soul

It spins and it gives and it cleans 

Of what a luck, this body can be a home

My poem its interior

And all my dreams like sun shining through the windows

This beading, this portrait of home/the world ☆

I cannot leave, this beading

This portrait of the world

I will keep it

Like crystals and pretty rocks

In my heartpocket

Like a breath

Like a hug

Like blood in lungs

Like a light in the evening

Like the reflection of water

Like crisp mountain air

Like a glow behind all else

Dark sweet soil

I must have known

How did I not know 

Swimming in muddy water

Dark sweet soil

Makes you sick

I saw myself standing on the shoreline

And asked myself why I felt pale, 

and my left lung punctured

Like a wind that passes but never sets

Like an ache destined nowhere, 

at no-one

I had felt it before

Back then I found a new hard work

A new time eater

Healthy soil

I had learned to sprout seeds, grow friuts, life from mud

But somehow i forgot

Or neglected it all

And this is the evil eye, in (the middle of) my life

Now

I will try and/to learn

To close the lid again

To learn not to always search for more

And More and

More

Salty darkened clay 

Returns to the shore

Bleak and moulnarished

Afraid

Oiled in sunscreen

Weak and bleak

Under the unforgiving sun

The death of stars above me

Yet malnourished

In green and white 

I had forgot

Or i never knew at all

That this was the gift of light

Words bleeding into paper

bleeding into me

Scentences like ribbons

Each delicate, and each a sensation

This overwhelming miss

Slip of the wrist

Could have not happened all along

But then I would never know 

that this is the source

This is the great tap root

The beacon

The god and the altar

Like glistening pearls on a shore

(The flame in my soul?)

The world is my rosary

I count all that I love, bind it up in colourful cloths and fabrics

With memories made into syrup

Sticky like honey to the/on paper

Golden/gold*?