what to do?

What to do with this all

Hands and a mind and 

Cultures and maplines 

Created 

There is no truth

Only relativities

I am smelling the dust

From that deep blue corner

That pulls and tugs as hard as can only 

a lonely human

☆◇the hours painted ◇☆ -fikss

With so many hours

Unfilled

Unfelt

I dont know

If there is a place to pour the days

Is all there is

Sleeping and working and sitting with the hurt and weighted

Until the days and years mesh and mould into the same shadeless colour

Well well

I dont know

These days used to fill themselves 

Amongst thick leaves and river streams

And faces and places and stiched seems

But the threads are beginning to rip and stretch

Pulled out from their destined place

But anyway

A life can change

And I still somewhat know who I am

*I wont let the metal frame

Staple my spine and limbs 

Like a motionless portrait*

/And anyway I will not be stapled

Or cut into place

I am the road and i walk the way

Well, I dont know where to start

How to burn like i wish 

So many people do better than i could ever

Speak, think, make like i could never

*But as you know, one should never pour out of somebody elses hand*

*But I am learning and trying and wishing and wanting to want to be me*

And anyway i want to learn to be 

the one who speaks and thinks and makes

learn to feel the tears 

and the sun like a sword through my chest

Anyway, I just need a place

To melt into the grass

Where I can smudge this creature/heart

And bleed this heart/it out

Anyway, I am just doing the best I can

And I think these words could help

A fountain to wash my face

us people are patterns ☆

These people

are all fabricated

Patterns stiched together

As am I

A life is fragmented in its parts

Small and scattered like stars

But sown together 

I hope for it

to hold the human heart

Some might think 

the world is carved in stone

Fate is mountainous

and blossoming with moss

But in ourselves, we people are lost 

To me, the inherently coincidental

Pulses like an artery

A gushing waterfall

People are frightened to search in the overflow

for trails and paved roads

Feel motor sounds and petrol glow

Think we need something stiff and straight and believable

But remember 

its just some road

some oversimplifed and laced truth 

And do you really care, if the steps you take are your own?

We lay on the grass, fragmented and lost

Should'nt you create the trail as you go?

Find a tree to climb

A river to swim and berries to pluck?

Might we not look up and out

air and sea and sky are endlessly deep

And untraced and unpaved

Truly free

surviving

I did not lose anything by surviving

I had to clamor sleepless

To the pillow of the dark

To wait out the winter

Cold world, and I had to hide

Until i could see

The green patterns of nature 

The sprouting of leaves

I was born for this

To see the real me with all its colour

To feel the orange burn of the sun

And again the bird songs

like twinkleling stars

☆◇ strange girl ◇☆

Here i sit on a bench

Watching the fabrics of space 

Bend before my eyes

And into warm foggy street-lamps

I listen to the twinkle of the stars

And beads of glass in the wind

I am a strange strange girl

I cover my face to peer out the dark of the window on the train 

I open the window on the motorway to feel air on my skin

I watch the stones twinkle under my shoes

And walk bare feet to lay on the grass by the abandoned shopping mall

Looking into peoples windows

Especiallly warm and decorated ones

But also those that are deep blue and cold

And it fills my soul

To feel or fill or drip over or trip over and fall down into sound or emotion or light

Into the sun reflecting on the deep waters

To watch the sunbeams in between leaves

And to feel with every breath 

The world is such a beautiful place

I walk alone through the dark

Trough this glazed glittery path

Shameless

They all think

I am a strange strange girl 

Like a soul ☆

The specks of nature

Scattered around

Like bushes and trees and flower-crowns

Mostly cut down and moulded

But some remain to show 

the slow earthly changes

like the shimmer of a soul

From cold rose patterns of frost 

into colour and blooming and sprouting from mud

I close and open

Into green and lush and full before

My world blossoms up into thirsty glow

the world blinking warm

There is a hand that I hold, let go and watch

The beautiful destruction fall

And the heavy leaves, and a bent spine with splints and creaks 

turns into the rotting of a cold motionless winter

The rotting of a bed and a life and a chest

But still the slow pull of the coloured and mild into white and harsh

Reminds of the string-like bones

That will once again pull us into lush and beautiful 

It just takes time

Takes time

As the nature is

As am I

And to feel and know

Light blue turns deeper and fuller further up by the moon

Or a peach pink after the sleep of the sun

Is alive even behind clouds

The world is whole

The world is round

And somewhere the colours reflect 

in the glaze of human eyes*

Even with too much light to see all the small stars in the sky

Somewhere they shine as ever, up against the deep black sky

Although dim, this tells me there will somewhere sometime, be a fiery light

There is so much i cannot see or feel

In this dark sleep

But knowing what once was

and still remanis

Tells me 

everything will be fine 

It will be okay

The world will change

Like the slow pulse

and glimmer

Of a soul

to have ◇☆

My happiness

Is cleaved in two

By the sharp edges of the shadow,

It bends and twists 

Behind my shoulder

Tinting my eyes, my breath 

with ink (blue) and black mold

Fingertips cold

I stand outside a door

A door I know is not mine

But its better to knock as a silent cry

Then to starve in the night

Remember, it will be allright 

Allright 

All I need right now anyway 

Is just any kind of thing

Just to have something,

Something like a door or a window

Moving and bending

With air and hope

Just something that opens

Like a shell or a dream or a chest

Like the colours of the night 

Opening into light

Just to have something 

Anything 

I look up at the lamplight, /clouds

Anything

Anything