Dark sweet soil

I must have known

How did I not know 

Swimming in muddy water

Dark sweet soil

Makes you sick

I saw myself standing on the shoreline

And asked myself why I felt pale, 

and my left lung punctured

Like a wind that passes but never sets

Like an ache destined nowhere, 

at no-one

I had felt it before

Back then I found a new hard work

A new time eater

Healthy soil

I had learned to sprout seeds, grow friuts, life from mud

But somehow i forgot

Or neglected it all

And this is the evil eye, in (the middle of) my life

Now

I will try and/to learn

To close the lid again

To learn not to always search for more

And More and

More

Salty darkened clay 

Returns to the shore

Bleak and moulnarished

Afraid

Oiled in sunscreen

Weak and bleak

Under the unforgiving sun

The death of stars above me

Yet malnourished

In green and white 

I had forgot

Or i never knew at all

That this was the gift of light

Words bleeding into paper

bleeding into me

Scentences like ribbons

Each delicate, and each a sensation

This overwhelming miss

Slip of the wrist

Could have not happened all along

But then I would never know 

that this is the source

This is the great tap root

The beacon

The god and the altar

Like glistening pearls on a shore

(The flame in my soul?)

The world is my rosary

I count all that I love, bind it up in colourful cloths and fabrics

With memories made into syrup

Sticky like honey to the/on paper

Golden/gold*?

have to go -miss the world forever ☆☆☆

This morning

Will the light shine through

Into my heart like a silver knife?

I hope to wake again tomorrow

Or tonight

Before the sun sets

will i again, take for granted that I am here

To think youth cannot be taken away

Not like a birthday cake

That surely gets eaten away

Candles melting into frosting

Carve me away

Or carve me back forever again

I think the day I go

I will miss the world forever

I will miss the soaps, and the icecreams and the hugs

And the flowers blooming

And the sun and trees and birds and hands and all the humans

Ribbon, whirpools of light ☆☆☆☆ +fiks*

The fjord looks like a ribbon

I'm standing knee deep in the blood

Smells like sugary water,

and iron

Hungry, 

i look up at whirpools of light

So bright, like a never-ending escape

Like some recreation

of hope,

flowers/ocean mist

new beginning

This sharp pain

This loneliness

Like the rotting of a heart

Like the rotting of me

Laying in a ditch by the sea

I used to think

In my selfishness

If some explosion hit

If dead stars would omit their light

A quasar of death*

If now must be the end of it

Then i would be okay to go with it

To not sit with this

Gone in splints

Like i used to think about blenders and cliffs

earths children in the vallies ☆**

The earth holds me

As I travel by train through the vallies

She warms my shoulders and my chest and my chin

And when I sleep through the vallies i am her child

That is what I feel from within

A child being brought home again

And she tells me we are all children

For she is ancient, she is old, she is wise and she is a god

That we forgot to take care of,

For when she is sick we are sick

But all children should have a guardian

So she never holds anger or remorse, 

She gives you beautiful pebbles in hand and ladybugs and sun 

As I look at the moss and patches of snow, and small wooden houses with a glimt in my eye

She tells me we are all children

A flickering light all the same

From the day we are born and to the day we go

Fragile like the heartbeat of a bird

Holding hands and sleeping softly under the moon

We are children all the same, 

in our soul there is still that curious fragment of who we have been 

And now grown

Still that search

For home

 

bones and lake gems ☆*

There is this deep hurt

Somewhere in the root of my bones

Its pure, clean

Like bruning blood in lungs after a run

Or cold water from the lake

The world like a gem

A crystal

Such beauty

Such sharpness

I have four cuts on my hands

And a smile on my face

This bucket of stars

Spilled across a life

The night/i see it/you in the night/i see it in the light

You see it in my eyes

☆☆☆☆Milkwhite crystals: the wound on my back ☆☆☆☆

Feels like glass shards

Milk-white crystals sharp

Stabbing into the soft meat of my heart

Into its unnassuming pulp of tissue

Its crystalisations of defensless blood

Blood that you slowly sucked and drawed

Trough no plaster patches and no pat on the shoulder after

The fall of the bike, or the banging on the door

I feel and will feel forever the wounds carved into the heart of a child

A pulsing wound that will continue to grow, get infected

every day, all the time, until the day i die

Even with you gone, there will be the (sharp) milkwhite crystal-shards that I could silently try to pick out

but you know how these things are

Meat is thick (and splinters grow thin(ly in))

And I will carry this wound on my back, like a wet cloth, a string of stones, a symbol of time

Like you have carried a wound on your ribs, and your mouth from your mothers mother and her mothers mother 

On and on and on

Like a sword through time

Like a needle through the bodies waiting in line, (like a queue)

And I will carry it too, for you have given it to me

Wherther you knew it or not, wherther you knew you were hurting or not

And it makes me neauseus how I might see another that I love, grow into such a life

I hope with all the fires in my heart, 

bowing to the sparkling orange sun/sparkling orange like the sun

You will not have to feel it all

On my knees to the stars

I know at least with me, where I can move and see (move my head and my hands up my ribs and feel where my heart is there is that sharp point under the skin like a silver knife) and where there is a point moving from my own chest into time

I will cover it with cotton and pillow and clay

And (i tell the moon) if I ever had a daughter

I would make sure her back was washed and whole and soft