fireworks

i used to be afraid of life

as i feared the fireworks 

i hid from as a child

i shrinked in the face of their

threatening prescence

their scream into the night 

how they roamed above my head

ruling the sky

the crashing thunder

was too

overwhelming

unpredictable

uncontrollable

i feared the fireworks 

in their beauty 

and all their color

the mesmerising formations

fascinating explosions

how they rose up

flourishined

bloomed 

painted against the milky way

before they would slowly fade away

dissapear among the millions of stars

until it was eeirly quiet

and you could'nt tell 

there had been anything there 

at all

alongside

the crashing fireworks 

melting into the night 

we will be forgotten in the same way

after being lit up

raising up to the sky

exploding in all our light

and then slowly fading 

away into nothing 

as life seeps out of our bodies

the course of a firework is the same as the course of a life

i would gladly explode

against the sapphire moonlight

in all my sparks and 

all my light

to be loud

to be fierce

to be free

i blow up and bloom

for my own sake

not to get attention

or some sort of validation

from other fireworks not yet ready to spread out

or explode into truly living life

memories are like buildings

i've been meaning to tell you lately

i thought about it remembering you holding my hand through the city;

memories are like buildings

if you attach yourself they are harder to demolish

cities of whispers and towers of stories

my city is torn apart and you're the reason i destroyed it

our city landscape had become a black hole

sucking us into an endless cycle

of reocurring mistakes 

and piercing heartbreak

streets of temptation and alleys of regret

wrecked the houses to disarm their threat

yet they still remained

i couldn't seem to forget

it all ended a night darker than charcoal

your image in my head 

burned my skin like glowing coal

it was enough to set fire to my soul

the flames swollowing my city whole

watching you burn was quite suitable

i have never seen anything so beautiful

as when i set fire to it all

i was completely vulnerable

as i let the red and orange enemy

wipe my memory 

her face was happiness

i know that nothing lasts forever

and we're all gonna die

but that night

her face was happiness

and that meant something to me

i couldn't help but smile

☆ finding myself ☆

every day i wake up

i am somebody new

every second that passes

another version of me cuts through

the figure before me

the silhouette in the mirror

is nothing but a bypassing stranger

i kept chasing after

looked for her in the empty city streets

at the parties where i found release

the fruit isle at the grocery store

the sweaty school corridor

i wished for her to remain constant

if i could use the term "her" at all

because the strange shadow i chased

seemed to have no final form

i wished to have a concept of self

something i could call mine

but it all felt superficial

and unoffical

i am not constant 

i am not anything to be defined

labeled and described

shrunk up to fit into some

illusonary cage

prison cell

made mentally

in my mind

but aren't i supposed to know who i am?

to find whoever is lurking deep down?

the problem is

there was no hidden person inside

no truer 

better

realer version of me

it was not something i could seek

dig up and bring to life

identity is a careful prosess of choices 

done conciously 

and subconciously

that shape our view

of ourselves 

as well as how we

live our lives

we do not "find" ourselves 

we create ourselves 

am i not just a patchwork of the places i have seen?

the people i have met

i like to think of myself

as a mosaic of the world

different tiles collected carefully

pieces painted by

my mother tongue

the culture that's seeped into my blood

the music that makes me float among starts

the collection of brush strokes i call art

poetry that make my eyes fiery with sparks

books that make me understand life on mars

my definition of cool

all the shit i didn't learn from school

my friends and their impressions

my family and their self-expressions

these factors are redefined,

developed every second i'm alive

who i am represents

that nothing lasts forever

reality is ever-changing

i cant recognize the person i have been

or the one i'm becoming

but i've decided to just let myself be

accept that

my identity

remains uncertain to me

☆ where can i find the words? ☆

i want my words on a string

like beads on a necklace

tied up in pretty formations

like the laces on my sneakers 

i want to hold the words

in the pool of my hands

they all melt into colorful liquid

as i watch them stream from my palm

and in between my aching fingers

i try to catch them

as you would catch falling leaves 

in autumn

or snowflakes on your tongue

but they keep flowing

like a waterfall down to my shoes

with such force i cant seem to collect them

absorb them and paint them on paper

they wet my baggy jeans

and keep spilling 

until they cover the floor of my room

until the wood panels become

a pool of words 

hopeful aspirations

unfulfilled dreams

and it keeps rising

up to my knees

then my waist

my neck

until the rainbow covers me

in sweet embrace

i'm forever drowning

in all the words i can't say

i dont want to wake up

i wake up and the world is just 

a little too much

the rawness of reality slaps me in the face

like the weight of wet concrete 

covering my body

the sun stings in the red corners of my eyes

the world screams in my face after the calm night

the illusion of peace is punctured

i was happily loosing myself

in the fantasy land

created in my mind

sleep is just death being shy

and dying shouldn't be this comforting

once i open my eyes

i am once again reminded of how i'll probably one day forget my dreams

because this is the real world with office jobs, unpaid rents, miserable lives

its just hard to open my eyes to a cruel world where the fear of failing is all i will ever know

with my eyes shut everything seems calm and approachable

my dreams are in reach and i'm brave enough to grip around the endless possibilites

but when i open my eyes i am brought back to reality

where there is too much brutal truth

too much anger and too much doubt

expectations and ideals

i again close my eyes not because i'm sleepy 

i'm just tired

i would like to loose myself and not come back

that's what all the kids want

the vodka

the weed

is just a way to forget yourself for a moment

forget the real world for a few seconds

all i want is to loose my mind

and to find myself

take me away to a hopeful place

where i can be myself

and passion is all it takes

to make it

i'd like to be happily ignorant

i want a comfortable fantasy world where the grass glitters 

and the disco balls twirl until the moon turns to dust

we'll all be immortal

in a party that lasts for eternity

i dont really want to die

yet what i am describing

is the unbelievable afterlife

a generation on painkillers

my generation is one drugged down on painkillers

always attached to our respective void-fillers

infusing our minds with distractions

freeing our souls through constant escapism

loosing ourselves in the media 

the music 

the drugs

to not realize the the insignificance of our actions

or the crushing weight on our shoulders

of an earth heading in the direction of extinction

everything beautiful is slowly dying

and we are dying with it

so smoke away the icky feeling 

that the world is run by greedy tyrants hungry for money

they don't care about the people, the nature, the peace

they live for the money, the profit, the corrupt police

they feed us lies

i'm fed up and angry

they tell us we are the last hope 

in a world gone hopeless

so tell me where to find some light

and how to keep it

i'm just not sure if i can reach it

i dont believe we ever will

be able to fix any of this

global hunger

inequality

even if

i eat less meat

recycle

try to be sustainable

it wont impact climate change

because the rich eat themselves fat

and we need fossil fuels to drive around their ass

we need systematic change

newer and greener ways of life

but nobody seems to know how

and i doubt we will ever know why

or even actually try

i'm not any better than those who quit

i'm just as ignorant as any other prick

so pass over the bottle of tequila

give me a hit of sweet ignorance

i'd like to be dumb and happy

or the nihilism will be too apparent

the meaninglessness consume us

the clouds will forever cover the sun

in the dull and dark

we will loose our sparks

so pop some pills

and trick your brain into thinking its sunny all the time