i want to be invisible, invinsable

its kind of like me

to dissapear

sometimes 

i wish to dissolve into air

to fit in between the molecules

nitrogen, oxygen, and aragon

i would like to be a part of the breeze

my worst trait

is wanting to be infinitly free

in a land without responsibility

escape from all the worlds difficulty

rewiring my brain

i try to rewire my brain

the complexity

causes eyestrain

the infinite coding

drives me insane

data programs

diagrams

the devil on my shoulder

weighs a thousand kilograms

the systems

and patterns

in which my brain operates

are outdated

and deeply hated

to listen to my

inner voice

by choice

without critique

is nothing but

self-sabotage

in camouflage

of listening to

my heart

learning to be

hyper-aware 

of my behavior

was my saviour

from the hungry dogs

who prayed on my failure

if i took one wrong step

it was in the direction

of a clear death

but if i spy and disapprove 

of my every move

criticize everything i do

i will redirect my behavior 

until i wont

have any exposed flesh

no one can 

bite me where

i have not been bitten 

by myself

i keep running

my eyes are salty

from the ocean of the coast

and the ocean in my mind

i feel tired

but i keep running

away from the tide

to not be smashed at the cliffs

collapse as the waves collide

the cobalt monster

we call the sea

has a melancholy

so transcendent

it haunts me

when im awake

when im asleep

so i have to flee

run to the streets

away from the deep

i'm never stopping

to breathe 

because then

the threat

of the marine

will catch up to me

you see

i dont have time 

for anything really

to dream

feel

or be

i run

not only because 

of the sea

i harbor in me

but running also

provides company

because somehow

all my people run like me

everyone is running

for different reasons

i run from the hurt

and the need to feel

i run to keep up with them

i run to be someone

i run to not be left alone

we are all running away

from something

or someone

most often ourselves

running for our dear lives

yet we never

ask ourselves 

where does this lead to?

why are we are we even running?

fireworks

i used to be afraid of life

as i feared the fireworks 

i hid from as a child

i shrinked in the face of their

threatening prescence

their scream into the night 

how they roamed above my head

ruling the sky

the crashing thunder

was too

overwhelming

unpredictable

uncontrollable

i feared the fireworks 

in their beauty 

and all their color

the mesmerising formations

fascinating explosions

how they rose up

flourishined

bloomed 

painted against the milky way

before they would slowly fade away

dissapear among the millions of stars

until it was eeirly quiet

and you could'nt tell 

there had been anything there 

at all

alongside

the crashing fireworks 

melting into the night 

we will be forgotten in the same way

after being lit up

raising up to the sky

exploding in all our light

and then slowly fading 

away into nothing 

as life seeps out of our bodies

the course of a firework is the same as the course of a life

i would gladly explode

against the sapphire moonlight

in all my sparks and 

all my light

to be loud

to be fierce

to be free

i blow up and bloom

for my own sake

not to get attention

or some sort of validation

from other fireworks not yet ready to spread out

or explode into truly living life

memories are like buildings

i've been meaning to tell you lately

i thought about it remembering you holding my hand through the city;

memories are like buildings

if you attach yourself they are harder to demolish

cities of whispers and towers of stories

my city is torn apart and you're the reason i destroyed it

our city landscape had become a black hole

sucking us into an endless cycle

of reocurring mistakes 

and piercing heartbreak

streets of temptation and alleys of regret

wrecked the houses to disarm their threat

yet they still remained

i couldn't seem to forget

it all ended a night darker than charcoal

your image in my head 

burned my skin like glowing coal

it was enough to set fire to my soul

the flames swollowing my city whole

watching you burn was quite suitable

i have never seen anything so beautiful

as when i set fire to it all

i was completely vulnerable

as i let the red and orange enemy

wipe my memory 

her face was happiness

i know that nothing lasts forever

and we're all gonna die

but that night

her face was happiness

and that meant something to me

i couldn't help but smile

☆ finding myself ☆

every day i wake up

i am somebody new

every second that passes

another version of me cuts through

the figure before me

the silhouette in the mirror

is nothing but a bypassing stranger

i kept chasing after

looked for her in the empty city streets

at the parties where i found release

the fruit isle at the grocery store

the sweaty school corridor

i wished for her to remain constant

if i could use the term "her" at all

because the strange shadow i chased

seemed to have no final form

i wished to have a concept of self

something i could call mine

but it all felt superficial

and unoffical

i am not constant 

i am not anything to be defined

labeled and described

shrunk up to fit into some

illusonary cage

prison cell

made mentally

in my mind

but aren't i supposed to know who i am?

to find whoever is lurking deep down?

the problem is

there was no hidden person inside

no truer 

better

realer version of me

it was not something i could seek

dig up and bring to life

identity is a careful prosess of choices 

done conciously 

and subconciously

that shape our view

of ourselves 

as well as how we

live our lives

we do not "find" ourselves 

we create ourselves 

am i not just a patchwork of the places i have seen?

the people i have met

i like to think of myself

as a mosaic of the world

different tiles collected carefully

pieces painted by

my mother tongue

the culture that's seeped into my blood

the music that makes me float among starts

the collection of brush strokes i call art

poetry that make my eyes fiery with sparks

books that make me understand life on mars

my definition of cool

all the shit i didn't learn from school

my friends and their impressions

my family and their self-expressions

these factors are redefined,

developed every second i'm alive

who i am represents

that nothing lasts forever

reality is ever-changing

i cant recognize the person i have been

or the one i'm becoming

but i've decided to just let myself be

accept that

my identity

remains uncertain to me