no matter how much black coffee
or ice cubed vodka tasting like cherry
or music so loud it blocks out my thoughts
i cant seem to feel fully free
try to get lost in the flashes of my television screen
but no matter how many mediocre poems i write
or mind-blowing books i read
i still feel like my cup is half empty
i'm wandering somewhere in between
being lost and found
being someone else and being myself
no matter the situation
i can feel the starvation
somethings always missing
people come and go lately
like waves of the sea
everythings changing so rapidly
i'm spiraling into a spider web of insanity
because i cant fathom the possibility
that any of this is real
every time i look in the mirror
my vision gets blurrier
the perception of my own identity
is floating away from me
i'm living in someone else's body
i'm living a life that is not mine
and if this bodys not even my home
i'm not sure there's anywhere i really belong
I kind of wish you would just
grab my waist
and fly me away
maybe together we could escape
because I think you'd understand if I say
I dont want to be a bird in a cage
i've been afraid for a while
that one day
you're not gonna return my smile
not that i believe
you could be that hostile
but what if
one day
your view of me shifts
like the curve of your lips
your affection turns into rejection
you're gonna look at me
like the scrape on your bloody knees
with pain and disgust
i'm worth less than specs of dust
you're gonna see that i'm silent,
shattered and sharp
like pieces of broken glass
you have given me the sun
but in the end i'll always
be withered grass
you're gonna look at me
like needle tips
cigarette stumps
in the blocks that you pass
and it all makes me feel
like dying in a car crash
You ask me why I stopped trying to save the city
I used to be
the hero
You told me
I was destined to be
Fighting burglars
and thieves
Saving pretty
people from beautiful tragedies
But living
for others never sat me free
I thought escaping
through intoxication was the key
To deal with
the uncomfortable uncertainty
But it made me feel even more incomplete
In the same way I felt when you looked at me
Like I was your god
Your savior
As you got down on your knees
Prayed and
pleaded “save me please”
All your problems
weighed on my sturdy shoulders
Your
happiness became my responsibility
But my own contentment was never a guarantee
Though you
made me feel special
You made me
feel seen
By telling
me I was the only one with the capability
Of keeping
the skyscrapers and city landscapes from collapsing
But it was
all too much
And one person can not bear such
You created your own city and your own problems
and thought it was funny to shove them over to me
Whats funny is you could not take away my ability
To see
That in the end
All I had to do was flee
You’re used to looking at yourself like you’re a galaxy
Without knowing how limiting it can be
You see your different stars
and solar systems
And think these are fundamental
Unchangeable
You think that
This is all you are
And all you will ever be
Instead, you should start
To pay attention to the art
Of the universe
You will never know all of you
I will never know all of me
There will always be change
There will always be room for growth
We are complex and ever-changing
Expanding and shape-shifting
There is no time to loose on limiting beliefs
Like thinking;
I’m unworthy
I’m unlovable
You tell yourself;
I’m bothersome and boring
I’m ugly and annoying
I’m disgusting
Icky
Dirty
Repulsive
I'm brain dead
and I hate every thought in my head
But dont you see?
All the thoughts you ever had of yourself
Were never facts
They were just beliefs
And all the little words you tell yourself
control you more than you think
You consist of thousands of shooting stars
Molecular parts
Your existence is a wonder
Self hate is a curse
You are as astonishing as any other universe
Get lost in a hunt for self realization
Loose yourself in the never-ending
Dark matter of your mind
and lunar eclipse in your eyes
You are an unexplainable miracle
