huffing

A space filled with specks of dust

Between accidental sunshine

Stinging in nose and eyes

And coughing up blood

Is all I do here

With such a stain 

Heavily breathing and huffing

In the corners of the house

☆ staying inside ☆

I've never known

How to be alive

Colour the days

Fill the time

Drops and droplets of something 

meant to be something

A substance or a voice 

or a shimmering light

Yet in that little village 

I had known something hiding between the strands of grass 

and dandelions

Dipped in waves of sunshine as I

was walking over the rocks 

In the river of my childhood 

And I could sit silent alone 

mezmerized unwatched

and just maybe, had i thought

in my hands i could hold

a secret of the leaves

Green blooming trees

And when the sky looked like coal

And my fingertips red and cold

There were faces I had known

And faces I could call

Into warmth 

But now scattered far

Like petals, dust or stars

And I peer into a river with no life

I used to love how the world was close

To my feet as I stood lightheaded

Walking free

But in these streets the trees have melted

And metal is the only thing springing from the ground

No seeds or trees or tulips

And we stare into a blue so endless and cruel 

and I can't close my eyes, turn around or go outside 

Because without the trees the streets are like another big house 

And I am so so tired 

Of staying inside

moving so human

In the blue sequin light

A human dancing

Nothing to speak

Just moving

Like humanity was supposed to move

Freely

With feet and hands soft

Slowly into light and sound

Without caring for how it looked

As he was the music itself

Like I imagine my grandma

In a polkadot dress and red pumps

And it could seem so silly to us

How they danced softly and bended and

did whatever their bodies asked them

But would you not also wish to listen with tears in your eyes 

and to be the music

and to be 

sound itself

doll

A deep void 

dolled up 

and dressed in skin

◇☆ remember that little human ☆◇

Remember

You are still

All you have been 

That little kid

Drawing green worms

And rainbows

With thick chalk

On summer roads

Remember 

That sweet sent

Of thick warm plastic

From blown up pools 

and rainjackets

Remember

Mudpiles and wet brown socks

Buckets of sand 

And millions of little hands

Bubblegums and hairclips and beads

Remember 

Somewhere in you

A little human sleeps

But in the fog of autumn

Behind black trees reaching

You carried the cold shadows

In your hands 

And stuffed them in pockets

Wormlike crawlings

And in later days

You were that quiet wormlike insect

Hunched over a sweaty skewed school desk

Cutting your tounge

Pinching red into your hands

Locked to floors inside corridors

No chalk or light or strawberry jams

You were that little kid

Where the feet where sharp

And the mouths sharper

You were misplased

Under waterfalls

Of rocks, needles and nails

So remember now

As you see your smuged face

In broken mirrors

Behind smoke and neon sun

You are still that little kid

Hands full of worms

And when you raise your voice

Remember 

How innocent and wishful

That little face once was

Remember 

Somewhere deep in you

That little human 

still sleeps

◇☆ pause in synchronization ☆◇

I remember the ducks

synchronized

And I remember the snow like dewy pearls and blankets

And I saw then 

with less jugdement in my heart 

I felt better

And to just feel like a human

Not better or worse

Just a part 

Pure

Somewhat just living

Like all else

And to be one of the branches

Circling around the sun

Or the street lamps

Or the stars

And to hear the pebbles of rain

And singing of birds when I close my eyes 

To be freed from the strings and webs and sticky pulling threads

That keep us away from the full of nothing

Of just sitting and being and wondering and letting things sit and then letting go

Of nescesarry pause from the loud and red and industrial

☆ shells (we grew up old) ☆

World pulsing

And dreaming

Into the gleaming snow

The branches curl and fold

As the white cover our heads

Like hats and coats

And I need to be hugged

To be hugged by the world

The wild

We grew up old

Playing in the forest 

an art unknown

But then i had known

The truth held our hands and covered our backs 

like shells or waves

Blankets that kept us safe

Werther we knew it or not

We moved into the forest

The forest moved into us

And I cannot forget my call

Between bricks and metal and cold asphalt

And in these lonely streets

All roots and colours 

and sounds bleed out 

But the choice is not ours

The choice is not from the forest

And it seems

To do and to be

Some part of you is left behind

To do and to be

Some part of you is left to die